leabolosan.blogspot.com

Life is weird, guys

2012-01-26T20:27:00.000-08:00

A lot has changed since I last blogged, enough to start blogging again. I'll explain later, but for now I'm back, I'm here, and I'm better now.

Moving

2011-03-21T01:18:00.000-07:00

Self explanatory. Come and find me if you can!

Imagine that

2011-02-11T00:50:00.000-08:00

"We both laugh and run and the moment is so thick around me that I feel like dropping into it to let it carry me."

A beautiful somewhere

2011-01-29T19:40:00.000-08:00

"But ultimately I do not believe that she was only matter. The rest of her must be recycled, too. I believe now that we are greater than the sum of our parts. If you take Alaska's genetic code and you add her life experiences and the relationships she had with people, and then you take the size and shape of her body, you do not get her. There is something else entirely. There is a part of her greater than the sum of her knowable parts. And that part has to go somewhere, because it cannot be destroyed.

Although no one will ever accuse me of being much of a science student, one thing I learned from science classes is that energy is never created and never destroyed. And if Alaska took her own life, that is the hope I wish I could have given her. Forgetting her mother, failing her mother and her friends and herself--those are awful things, but she did not need to fold into herself and self-destruct. Those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be. When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because weare. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."

-- Looking for Alaska

#8

2011-01-18T17:47:00.000-08:00

Read this (click)

I always thought that I'd be someone who could give great advice. But usually no one ever comes to me for that kind of stuff and it makes me question whether I seem like someone who's worth asking. When I was in middle school/high school the most interesting stuff to me and to everyone else was what drama was going around. It was everywhere. And I think the characteristic of being a 'good friend' back then was knowing what to say when someone came to you with problems. But usually I was the one on the outside of secrets. I used to garner gossip from wherever I could and imagine what I would do in his/her shoes. I'd say "you know what, they're missing out on some good advice." And that's as far as it would go.

I'm not trying to say that no one has ever vented to me or opened up to me. It's just that I actually don't know what to say in those situations. Most times when I'm talking to someone all I respond with is "nice" or "oh wow" or "oh really?" These are meaningless fillers to ensure someone that I'm not ignoring them. I don't reply much. I'm nobody's keeper, and I figure that I most likely don't know how someone else is feeling or what they've been through. Nobody does. And the most someone can do is try to understand.

Maybe I'm not the person to come to for advice. And I can live with that. In hindsight I guess that's not what being a good friend is about. Cause come on, we're all a little fucked up. Who really knows anything? But I think at the heart of it all, people are looking for other people. Not answers or replies. Just someone to listen. And to be present for someone else is a really good gift.

I'll work on it.

I think I was poisoned last night

2010-12-17T03:03:00.000-08:00

On a rare night when I actually go out, last night I drank a 4Loko. I know, they're disgusting. But I've never had an entire one of those cans so fast in one sitting. Anyway sometime between standing up and walking to the bathroom at D&Bs (which was a real trip) I must have fallen and hit my head. I think I blacked out for a second. Today I woke up with a cut knee and a bump the size of a nickel above my left eye. The knee I can figure out, but the head bump is a mystery. It feels so gross. Retelling this to myself is not fun, and there's nothing really attached to this story. It's mainly for the next time I think this is a good idea. No wonder they're banning this shit!

Winter Break

2010-12-15T01:28:00.000-08:00

I've been back home for winter break since last Friday. Most of my days here consist of staying at home, which is exactly what I planned to do this break. I find nothing wrong with solitude. In this age of technology it's actually really easy to be somewhat in touch with the world without actually talking to anyone, but that's not the kind of interaction I prefer. I do like all this time to myself though. Not even because I am bombarded with people at school. I get my fair share of solitude there, too.

Time alone is not exactly how I pictured my winter breaks to be circa last year. I frequently imagine coming home to big Christmas reunions and lunches to catch-up with old friends. And in reality they're planned (this year included), but I just don't have any burning desire to go to them. It's not that I don't like these people, no. I love them. I miss them terribly. I just am doing a lot of self-"something." Work? Re-invention? No, something that sounds less stupid. I usually make the joke that even numbered years are so much better for me than odd, but 2010 gives me a lot to work on and think about. So I guess I am working on myself, but that doesn't sound very cool either.

Do I worry that not attending these get togethers will eventually send me off the social face of the earth and leave me more alone than I ever intended to be? Oh, all the time. I am fully aware that people do not function well without other people. But, paraphrasing one of my favorite passages, liking the company you keep in the empty moments, truly on your own.. that is calling out to me right now.

2010-12-13T23:59:00.000-08:00

In a blogging drought. Maybe I need a new blog entirely. I write all the time and delete it afterwards, and the things I deem worthy of the publish button, I don't even like. It's easy to reveal stuff that makes me seem like a good person, creative and such. It's safe and heart-warming. Talking about love and heartbreak and epiphanies that make me seem real and wise beyond my years. But the slightly uncomfortable parts that constitute the majority of my thoughts would probably make you cringe. And hate me. If I were me I'd tell myself to get off of my sorry ass and do something about my own life. These hypothetical posts kind of make me hate myself too, maybe that's why I don't post them. But to me it's the most human. Kinda ironic how that would most likely push people away.

But I bet writing would help me sort out my train wreck of a life right now. And since I'm pretty sure no one really reads this as much as I do, I'll try to write more honest posts more often. Don't be too freaked out.

She might be the smartest girl I know

2010-12-04T19:37:00.000-08:00

And yet, I get to wake up at 2 to her text messages of barely intelligible thought. She’s not drunk. It’s her custom greeting. I flip my phone open, to find it. “Roar” I put the phone down, for a second. Like a chess piece, I find myself unable to take my hand off of it, for fear I might lose my turn. I grab the phone again, and shoot back something simple. Hi. Hey. Whats up. Go to sleep. Stuff like that. She loves to do this. She loves to let me go, play house with some other guy by day, but try and keep me on a string. I wish I was better at fighting it. But she keeps me around for the mental orgasm. For the wit, for the biting humor that brought us together in the first place. It’s the sign of strong people. Strong people who have screamed at each other and fought and cried and been way more hurt than loved over this whole thing. She’s caused me to inhale more cigarettes she’s ever intended, and I don’t normally smoke. I laugh in my own bed. This is hardly normal. I get my text reply back. In the brief second of ringing and opening, I wonder if its going to be another intelligble word, a smiley face, a sarcastic comment. Sometimes she just puts “No” to get me going, and— “Can I see you” I put the phone down, set my alarm for the morning, and roll over into sleep. Eyes wide. I may have been the one left, but I can’t do this right now. I feel like, in that same chess piece, I’m only a pawn.

http://www.sincesheleft.com/post/2076152242/she-might-be-the-smartest-girl-i-know

Holidays chez moi

2010-11-16T19:44:00.000-08:00

Rainy day playlist

2010-10-25T02:30:00.001-07:00

Love Me Like a River Does - Melody Gardot

Rainy Day - Animal Crossing

Daydreamer - Adele

Quelqu'un m'a dit - Carla Bruni

Mykonos - Fleet Foxes

What a Difference a Day Made - Jamie Cullum

Baby I'm a Fool - Melody Gardot

I Wish It Would Rain - Mayer Hawthorne

The Rain - Melody Gardot

Homeward Bound - Simon & Garfunkel

Brave Face (acoustic instrumental) - Melissa Polinar

Baby I'm Yours - Arctic Monkeys

Waiting for the Moon to Rise - Belle & Sebastian

Something (Beatles cover) - Brook Adams

For what it's worth

2010-10-23T03:39:00.000-07:00

My life is pretty freakin fun right now.

J'adore

2010-10-07T01:57:00.000-07:00

Love me like a river does
Cross the sea
Love me like a river does
Endlessly
Love me like a river does
Baby don’t rush you’re no waterfall
Love me that is all
Love me like a roaring sea
Swirls about
Love me like a roaring sea
Wash me out
Love me like a roaring sea
Baby don’t rush you’re no waterfall
Love me that is all
Love me like the earth itself
Spins around
Love me like the earth itself
Sky above below the ground
Love me like the earth itself
Baby don’t rush you’re no waterfall
Love me that is all

I thought of you again today

2010-10-06T01:00:00.000-07:00

A story: A friend of mine has been telling me about his recent run-ins with his next door neighbor. According to him (and he might have been a little drunk the last time he talked to me), she's been giving him signals that she likes him, and now he doesn't seem to know what to do. She is, for lack of a better word, a megabitch. I'm sure she's nice to those she likes, but already off of first impressions, she's a little mean, and a little more boring. So why all of a sudden would someone whose opinion is just as strong as my own question how he feels about her? My guess, is that he, like any other normal human being, he likes being wanted. And now that it's happened, maybe it's okay to want to return the feeling and like her back. Is that right? Does he honestly like her then? I mean, she's so far off the radar, I wonder what would happen if these signals were never there. And does it even matter?

I ask this because sometimes I feel like I go through the same thing. I'm not good at reading people at all. My conscience tells me that it's not right to want someone just because you have the idea that they want you first. It totally screws up my perception of people, and makes you seem a lot more attractive right now. Like I said, I'm really good at convincing myself that what comes readily is my best bet. And I'm trying to stop that. What's strange though is that it's been a long while since I've sensed something from you--correctly read or not--and yet I still think of you, often. Is it because I'm thrown off, or is it, you know..

"I can't do this"

2010-09-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

I had built several years of my adult life around a relationship with a boy I've known since childhood. And several minutes before I'm about to marry him, I get cold feet. Two seconds to think. I bawl my eyes out, run away in my wedding dress, and hope that it's enough to stop the whole thing. Then I woke up.

I woke up with guilt heavier than everything I own put together. Not for running away, but for how I felt. Nothing. I was about to spend the rest of my life with someone, knowing all along that it was just fake. Scary how relevant that is to my real life. I really do think I fool myself into believing that what comes easily and comfortably is right for me. I think of the same dream relationship often, even when I'm not sleeping. And it may never rock my world or take me to the edge, but it's stable, and secure. It's what I've always wanted up until now. Now I want something different, something more.

But this is all still as real as dreaming until ~~I find someone haha.~~

I don't think it works that way actually..

Oh the places you'll go

2010-09-01T14:22:00.000-07:00

Humid hot, super hot, nice hot, and ... oh, damn.

Pubs

2010-08-26T23:46:00.000-07:00

"the magic of life is to seek, search, and forever be engaged in a journey towards you."

Fujifilm quicksnap, the deluxe disposable model (2)

2010-08-10T23:47:00.000-07:00

Fujifilm quicksnap, the deluxe disposable model (1)

2010-08-10T23:39:00.000-07:00

South America

2010-07-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

I try to blog almost every night about everything that's happened to me in Chile, and I end up losing internet connection or falling asleep every time. But I guess the real reason I never get far is because I'm looking for something on the bigger picture scale or some culminating term that hasn't come to me yet. Idk if it ever will haha. I'll tell you one thing though, being in this country makes me feel super small. I've been in the middle of the Andes mountains and at a lake at the foot of an active volcano, crammed in subways and lost on busy streets, and all I can think of is what every other mountain or volcano or subway or street in the world looks like. I'm humbled, and small. And a little more adventurous.

I love lamp

2010-07-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

La diferencia entre una persona antes y después de enamorarse es la misma que entre una lámpara apagada y otra encendida. La lámpara estaba allí y era buena, pero ahora además irradia luz (y esta es su verdadera función).

- Van Gogh (in Spanish)

This is always good to know

2010-07-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

What we need is never all that hard to find.

La comida del viaje

2010-06-28T07:41:00.000-07:00

Day 1: LAX, Mexico City, Santiago
- McDonald's breakfast (our last American meal!)
- Turkey sandwiches and grapes on the plane
- Chili's in Mexico City airport on layover (ironic?)
- 2 bad airplane meals courtesy of LAN Chile
- Real dinner at Camino Real! Champagne and fruit juices with cheesy appetizers, apple pumpkin soup, pork tenderloin with spinach crepe stuffed wtih mushrooms, and a Chilean raspberry cake with sauce. And a glass of white wine

Day 2: Tour of Santiago
- Breakfast at the hotel (Diego de Almagro)
- LIttle packaged sandwiches for lunch (with cookies)
- Dinner at Ocean Pacific: Corvina (fish) with arroz azafran

Day 3: Isla Negra, Pomaire, Bella Vista
- Breakfast at the hotel
- Lunch at Las Naranjas in Pomaire: empanadas (the bessssst), pastel de choclo (a "corn pie" with chicken, onions, more meat, and a sugary crust), raspberry ice cream
- Dinner at Nuria in Santiago: prosciutto pizza
- Drinks at Bella Vista: tequila, strawberry tequila mojito, vodka y jugo at Planeta Rock (?) Dance Club

Day 4: Valparaiso y Vina del Mar
- Breakfast at the hotel
- Lunch at some seafood restaurant: salmon a la pancha (grilled) con pure (mashed potatoes)
- Lots of Coco cookies

How many of us have them?

2010-05-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

I'm currently icing my ankle that I effed up last night. It's not an awesome story; I was walking down a hill, slipped, slid, and somewhere in the mix rolled my ankle. OW. Awesome came after when I got carried home (piggy backin it) by Atom, Alejandro, and Pham. Again, thank you!

I admit I'm really lame and pretty klutzy. I think about all the snafus I've gotten into--waking up late for tests, hurting myself, forgetting just about everything--and it's obvious that I wouldn't be so fine without my friends here. Even when everything is perfectly fine, I'm fortunate to be surrounded by friends to visit, eat with, be "so random!" with, etc. And while this all may seem naive to you, I can't help but feel blessed to have even these simple pleasurez. I rarely use superlatives, but I really do believe I've made some the greatest friends.

A garden metaphor

2010-05-11T19:05:00.001-07:00

FEENY: You see this flower?
CORY: Yayy! A garden metaphor! We’re gonna do a garden metaphor!
FEENY: The flower used to be in a small pot in my living room. But it outgrew it’s surroundings, so I transplanted it here in the garden.
CORY: It seems like it’s okay.
FEENY: Yes, it’s flourishing. Now, Topanga has always thrived here. She’s been successful at everything she has ever done. Here.
CORY: She’d be successful anywhere.
FEENY: Do you believe that?
CORY: Of course I do.
FEENY: Does she?
CORY: What?
FEENY: You know, before she chose not to attend Yale, she came to talk to me in my office.
CORY: About me, right? She told you she didn’t want to go to Yale because of me, right?
FEENY: Yes, that’s what she said.
CORY: It’s not about me?
FEENY: So, when I pulled the flower out of the little pot in the living room, it resisted a little. It tried to hold on by its roots. I had to force it out.
CORY: Because you were sure it would do better out here. In the world.
FEENY: Because I was sure that if I left it where it was, it would stop growing.

I will come back to this later.

Triggered

2010-04-28T00:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't cried in months until today. Right now I'm sobbing up a storm because of something so small it's embarrassing. I thought my life was okay because the water I was standing in was still, but still waters run deep, man.

But the world keeps spinning

2010-04-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

How cliche is it to say that life goes on? But I guess things only become cliche when they're true and I need to wear this particular one like a tattoo. In a really short period of time I've managed to experience a wide gamut of emotion, and whether it was favorable or not doesn't erase each one or change the fact that I'm not the same person as I was before it. Anxiety, bliss, love, defeat, embarrassment, regret, utter nothingness, and whatever else hasn't come to mind--I've clung on to each one so hard and have tried to stand my ground, but it never works. Consuming myself with thoughts of how to go back in time and change all of my mistakes or getting back far gone feelings have only left me fighting with the natural force of my own life, the one that drives me forward. So it's a struggle to find a balance between making your own destiny and moving at life's pace. This is not an epiphany by any means. It's just a work in progress. The earth spins at over 500 miles an hour, and I with it. (I asked Jeeves). So for now I'll bask in the joy, learn from the mistakes, revel in the victories, and remember that life goes on, no matter how deep I bury my feet in the dirt.

(do good, live well)

Blanched

2010-03-31T17:43:00.000-07:00

There's nothing I would like more right now than to be indifferent to, or even content with your decisions. This is extremely frustrating; I can't blame you or even consult you about it because you're not a part of my life anymore. I'm not at fault, but shoot, I should be better than this. There are probably a million different ways to take all of this, and if you can be set free, why can't I?

I feel like I got the life sucked out of me and I would just like my better self back.

"That actually made me sadder than anything: the fact that I felt so numb."

2010-03-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

I eavesdropped on the bus today. The girl seated next to me was talking about some major drama on the phone. It was really immature but it got me thinking: man, when was the last time I've been in a fight?

When was the last time I cried, or got really mad, held my breath, or had my world rocked, screamed, or got proven wrong and learned something from it? When was the last time I felt something, really felt something, and stood behind it as right or as wrong as it might have been?

It's been a while since I've felt something real.

Spring Quarter 2010

2010-03-01T23:23:00.000-08:00

BIO 99 (Molecular biology) MWF 10:00-11:00am
BIO 100LW TuTh 5:00-6:20pm
BIO 100LW (Lab) W 1:00-3:50pm
CHEM 51C (Organic chemistry) TuTh 11:00-12:20pm
BIO N110 (Neurobiology) MWF 4:00-5:00pm

Science!

Why I make resolutions

2010-01-01T11:52:00.000-08:00

Interesting thought: today is just another day.

That would mean that resolutions on this day would be meaningless, and I guess there would be no point to celebrate other pagan holidays. I totally believe that each day is the start of something new, but there are still a lot of reasons why I make resolutions and celebrate Valentine's day. I don't think I would have become so cognizant to the concept of new and reinvention (improvement) without holidays. Aside from the fact that psychologically, people are more motivated to accomplish goals at the start of something, whether it be a day, week, or in this case a year, I think this holiday's purpose is to celebrate all those little victories and the fact that we're alive to celebrate them. And that pushes us to better ourselves to see another day or week or year. We make little promises to ourselves and show love to each other every day, why not dedicate a day to be extra special? (And think, if we were extra special every day , which we're not, how mundane would our lives be?) Holidays are also.. fun but that's a no brainer. Seriously though, we all get caught up in work and school or lack thereof; we're really far from perfect. Power to those who are strong and can be resolute each day of the year. As for me, I think I need a little reminder every once in a while of just how far I've really come, good and bad.

No, the first one's worse

2009-12-30T12:47:00.001-08:00

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 9
My biggest fear
"My biggest fear is that I'm going to have the rugged pulled up from under my feet."

In retrospect, maybe that's not my biggest fear. Maybe it's actually watching something very close to my heart hurt. And knowing that the closest I can be is this far away.

Are you happy?

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication

2009-12-07T23:21:00.000-08:00

- Leonardo da Vinci

My dawg Leo has a point. I deactivated my Facebook in order to study for finals, and I'm enjoying it so much that I'm thinking I should declutter my entire life. Should you need to reach me, my cell phone is always within close reach, and I blog and tweet (microscale blogging). Or e-mail, as I can't blog or tweet without an e-mail address. We could also communicate via post it note. Huzzah!

Still pushing forward, still arching back

2009-12-04T00:03:00.000-08:00

I started this blog towards the end of 2007 because I was unhappy and insecure with my life. My New Year's resolution was to change that.

"My greatest flaw has always been that I gradually get sick of things."

In 2008 I met (acquainted myself with) Andrew. Even if his name isn't in all of these posts, more than half of them have to do with him. I fell for him, hard. He was a wonderful person and I thought the world of him (epic). Andrew helped me feel more comfortable and confident in myself and I did one of the ballsiest things I've ever done (even though it was online) and told him how I really felt about him. Poof. My life was beautiful, like music. Despite its ups and downs.

"I realized that the reason why I felt so differently about things-- why I let my guard down, why I shed these layers-- is because, well, I liked you, and when you like someone, you let them in, because you want them near."

We go to school really far from each other, so I haven't seen Andrew since September. I miss him and I think of him often.

Weeks ago I could tell Andrew was upset about something. I called him and about 55 minutes later he said that he didn't think we should be together right now. A million little problems, unbeknownst to me that had added up in his eyes over the course of 6 months just could not and would not be fixed. He also said that he cared about me and he loved me, which was one of the first times I had ever heard him say it. And as much as I want to, I don't believe it. I thought it was strange, almost chilling that it was done so calmly and how it was showered in compliments. I didn't know how to feel and I still don't. I wanted him to be happy, I still do deep down. But I never thought that it would have to be at my expense.

For about 2 weeks I felt like I just had been hit with a truck. It was odd, thinking of the conversations Andrew I had a week before it all happened. Visiting each other, missing each other, and now none of that anymore. I never saw it coming. With all the jumbled-ness and vague reasoning, I didn't even know what the real reason behind all of this was. Maybe there's someone else, maybe he's unhappy, maybe he really can't take the long distance. Is he hiding something? Or maybe something was wrong with me. Why? I called him 2 weeks after with so many built up questions and pent up stress. I tried to relay my confusion to Andrew in hopes for some concrete answers to ease my mind, but I always always get flustered when talking to him, and I end up losing my train of thought. After trying to pry for answers to rest in I got flustered as usual, and he got angry and told me not to put words in his mouth. It's all I'm left with, though, because he constantly told me what the situation wasn't. It wasn't me, it wasn't him, it wasn't not worth it, it wasn't anything but it was everything. That I'll never understand. And chillingly, again, the topic was changed to a generalized play by play of our lives recently. How was school, how was class, how was Halloween. I felt stuck wanting more answers about why everything happened while he was already moving forward as if I was okay being just friends that hadn't just broken up after two years. The opposite of love is indeed indifference.

I haven't spoken to him since, it's been about 3 weeks. I sent him a message telling him all the things I would normally get flustered saying in person. I think he read it, but we still haven't spoken. I secretly hoped he would call or text me during break when we were both back home in the same city, especially if he got the message I sent him, but it didn't happen. I can't keep calling or contacting him, even as a friend. I can, but I have to be honest with myself. He left me, and it's his decision if he wants to remember me. I can't make him love me and I can't even make him be my friend. It sucks that he's not either right now and that it happened so fast but people change. And judging by these past 5 weeks, I am starting to believe that he has happily moved on.

"I've learned that a letter sent always needs a letter in return."

The situation is not pretty. We haven't seen each other in so long, and I am starting to think he is enjoying it that way. It's important, though, to see people face to face. A good friend of mine, who has been through things I couldn't even imagine, told me that emotions can and will flush back into you when you actually see someone in person after long periods of separation. But again I can't make him see me.

"They helped me realize the care I have and the wish that I have that you just be happy"

I'm still a little confused and upset. I would say that it's a selfish notion, because I wished and still do genuinely wish for him to be happy with his life. I loved Andrew, I really did, and part of me still does. And now he's happy, I'm assuming. And I'm just uneasy. But I don't believe it's selfish anymore. It's not selfish to want even simple closure or even to warrant a response (or to see him in person). It's not selfish to wonder why a huge part of my life just got cut out and to want things to be okay. And it's not selfish to say that in the end, what I really want is to be happy with myself again and not be left with the idea that I gave Andrew all of me, and he still didn't want it.

But I'm not going to bother him anymore. I got the hint and even though a big part of my life got turned upside down I have to live with the fact that "life isn't fair." And it's not about giving up either. It's near the opposite. Answers or reasons or closure, even if that's all I want, realistically won't happen ever. And that's life. A reason would give me peace of mind but it can't dictate or direct my future choices. I can do that all on my own and I've known that my whole life.

I'm not particularly strong, or at least I don't think I am. I don't cry to all my friends and I don't stop living. But that isn't overcoming adversity or showing massive strength, it's just me simply being. My life doesn't suck right now. I work really hard, I see beauty and God in a lot of things, and I am certainly positive that this world is a good good place. I hit a rough patch, probably one of the biggest rough patches I've ever hit (or should I say that it hit me).

It's the end of 2009 and this blog is still about me and my life deep down, despite how much other people may impact it. What I've learned over these past 2 years from all of this is that we're wonderfully malleable works in progress. And because of that, the possibilities for what else could have happened in these past 2 years is beyond me. I am on this particular path and I don't doubt that the universe unfolds as it should if I believe in it.

"What tips the scale though is the fact that we're all a little smarter than we think or give ourselves credit for. We've developed a foundation for ourselves with constants based on every aspect of our lives. We evaluate and edit our lives without even knowing it. Thus, we deal a little bit better each time."

We change, and someday I'll meet someone else like me who believes that the way back home is always faster, easier, more worth it than it seems. Hey. Maybe I'm just going back to the heart of something really really big, and this is the first stepping stone.

2009-11-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

Deactivated

The packing chronicles

2009-09-09T00:45:00.000-07:00

Cleaned out my sad excuse for a jewelry collection today and found this little treasure. A surprise gift from my first boyfriend in 8th grade, detached from its original chain. It was so pink and cute. And I remember the moment I got this I was so shocked and didn't know what to do, so I said 'wow, thank you' and put it back in the box (haha). I fall into the category of people who enjoy seeing the little velvet box, especially when it's a surprise. It was also a going away gift because he was moving far far away, so it was also the most bittersweet present. I found it today and felt.. nothing. Which made me feel.. good.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Nowhere, really. It's just that I used your fake roses for several spiritual art projects, and the bear you bought me is lost somewhere in a box. And after finding this I realize that you bought and surprised me with a lot of stuff for a long time. I knew we weren't going to last, but I guess I never thanked you for being so nice to me and telling me what I wanted to hear occasionally. It was comforting to know someone who knew what you wanted and in turn wanted to give it to/surprise you. You were a romantic because you wanted to be and I think every girl wants a boy to do nice things for her because he wants to, if that makes sense.

Hey, thanks.

Where the best feelings are (in no order)

2009-08-31T13:38:00.000-07:00

1. The Honolulu airport, because it's warm and welcoming. And being there always means that I'm going home or a home away from home.
2. Aldea's common room, the only place besides my house where I can feel really comfortable sleeping. It's also great for people watching.
3. Underneath a blanket, self explanatory.
4. The passenger seat of Andrew's car, whether it smells like beef or fresh car scent. I enjoy watching Andrew drive and it's always the start or end of something fun.
5. In heels. I always feel hot in heels. If it didn't hurt I would wear them all the time (I'm 5'2").
6. Free falling. I've only done it once but even though I'm tightly harnessed to another person, it's super liberating.
7. The ASB office at ND. I loved being one of the few that felt comfortable in that office and knowing where everything was. I loved being able to keep my junk in there and the odd sense of power that I felt when I was in it alone.
8. On my bike, and I really don't know why for this one. Just bike for yourself!

I offer

2009-08-13T23:49:00.001-07:00

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

- Bob Dylan, Make You Feel My Love

Schoolyard chums

2009-08-13T00:14:00.000-07:00

Talking about facebook pictures:

Atom: theyre just ...ya know
Lea: you know.. aldea reunions while i'm hellza miles away!
Atom: whats that one thing called that allows you to fly over great distances....a plane?
Lea: on the condition that you pay with what do you call that... money?
Atom: whats it called when you go up to a bank teller and demand them to give you all their money... robbery

It never is

2009-08-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

After a day of cleaning my room all I have left is a pile of clothes on the floor and a bag of trash waiting to be thrown out. I really like what I've done with it, granted that a lot of mess is just school books that have been thrown into my room. This was a real genuine cathartic clean, not the kind where you just clean the outside of the drawers by stuffing the insides. Quite the opposite really. My dad walks in and looks around (he knows I'd been cleaning it) this afternoon, scoffs and says

"Still not good."

May 11, 2008

2009-08-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

"'Damn it, that means we're old.' I'm hearing that a lot more often now. It puts everything into perspective. You're graduating in two weeks, so I'm graduating in four weeks, and you're turning 18 in six weeks, and I'm turning 18 in eight weeks, and damn it, were old. The future is the weirdest thing. This morning my mom cracked one of those 'oh you're so happy to get out of the house and leave me' jokes and I thought, 'actually, I'm scared shitless.' I guess it's time to start looking at the near future as intimidating and uncertain it seems. In a letter to me a while back you said one of the nicest things you've ever said, and you probably don't even know it.

'I had no idea what today would be like, but it was all worth it.'

I keep that thought with me when I face the future. I hope it's all worth it for you as much as it is for me."

Lea

From my Tumblr

2009-07-31T11:45:00.000-07:00

I just want to be held. Without looking at a tv screen or a computer screen. Without being in a public place. Without the group of friends. Without music, without light, without words. When the world falls apart, I just want to be held by you.

Here I come crawling back

2009-07-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

Tumblr sucks! It's just aesthetically pleasing and if I could make the comparison, Tumblr is like your bitchy friends in middle school that leave you to try and find popularity, and blogspot is like the loyal dog that will always lick your face when you come home even if all your bitchy friends left you to try and be popular.

It's not you, it's me

2009-07-08T00:28:00.000-07:00

My dearest blogspot,

I just made a tumblr. I'm really sorry. A handful of important people read you and you served me well for over a year and a half. You taught me that keeping a journal is indeed, healthy. It's cathartic, stimulating, and very rewarding. I'll miss you.

Sincerely,

Lea
leabolosan.tumblr.com

I want to ride my bicycle

2009-06-19T00:10:00.000-07:00

My little blue Univega's been sitting in my dorm room for like, 2 months. This week Andrew took me to the bike shop to get it checked out. Knowing nothing about bikes when I bought it, I kind of know a least enough for the casual biker to get by now. So I got a chain and tubes, and steel wool to take the rust off. This stuff is rewarding.

2009-04-21T00:08:00.001-07:00

I fucked up. Damn.

There are two different types of people in the world..

2009-04-16T03:13:00.001-07:00

I've figured out one of the things that I hate the most (about myself, and about other people). It's ground breaking for me, so just deal. Anyway, I realized today that I really really can't stand people who build/live their lives only around the things that they want and not towards actually achieving those ends. I have desires. I've always wanted to skydive. Go travel around the world. See a broadway musical. But really, when wants are all I have, it's a pretty envious (and thus LAME) lifestyle. It's ridiculous! And it's not founded on experience, but by other people's opinions that have shaped your own. Sure, that's how everything starts. But soon enough you develop your own opinions when you end up doing what you say you want to do. How amazing can your life be, or how interesting of a person are you when all you do is want other things that more interesting people have? Woo fucking hoo, tell me about what you've done before you tell me what you want to do. But now I'm just hatin'. At 3:21 in the morning.

Maybe this is a sign

2009-04-12T03:41:00.000-07:00

I took another quiz on Facebook: "What college major should you have?" Bio? Naw. Psychology...

"You and want to know what makes people tick. The sea of similarities and differences between any two human minds fascinates you, and you can sail through college with this light-weight degree in an emerging, immature science. Even though you'll never work in a related field without going to grad school. But hey $12 an hour aint bad? Right? Right? Your love of the human mind outweighs your love of material things like food and water, which you'll never be able to afford again."

That is.. REALLY true. I like science. And brains. And I've always wanted to go CogSci. Could it be the best of both worlds? Uh oh, I'm usually not so easily swayed.

P.S. I take that back. I am easily swayed. I'm on Twitter now (www.twitter.com/leabolosan)

#122: Moleskine notebooks

2009-04-10T22:57:00.001-07:00

HAHAHA: http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2009/02/24/122-moleskine-notebooks/

"Since all white people consider themselves to be “creative,” they are constantly in need of products and accessories that will allow them to capture their thoughts. One of the more popular products in recent years has been the Moleskine notebook.

This particular type of notebook is very expensive and was quite popular with writers and artists in the olden days. Needless to say, these are two properties that are highly coveted in the white community. In fact, it’s a good rule of thumb to know that white people like anything that old writers and artists liked: typewriters, journals, suicide, heroin, and trains are just a few examples.

Much like virtually everything else that white people like, these notebooks are considerably more expensive yet provide no additional functionality over regular notebooks that cost a dollar. Thankfully, since white people only keep their most original and creative ideas in the Moleskine, many of them will only be required to purchase one per lifetime.

But the the growing popularity of these little journals, is not without its own set of problems. One of the strangest side effects has been the puzzling situation whereby a white person will sit in an independent coffee shop with a Moleskine notebook resting on top of a Apple laptop. You might wonder why they need so many devices to write down thoughts? Well, if a white person has a great idea, they write it by hand, if they have a good idea, it goes into the computer.

Not only does this help them keep their thoughts organized, but it serves as a signal to the other white people in the shop that the owner of both instruments is truly creative. It screams: “I’m not using my computer to check email and read celebrity gossip, I’m using it to create art. Please ask me about it.”

So when you see a white person with one of these notebooks, you should always ask them about what sort of projects they are working on their free time. But you should never ask to actually see the notebook lest you ask the question “how are you going to make a novel out of five phone numbers and a grocery list?”"

Doctor: a tell-all

2009-03-10T02:19:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of nights I've reluctantly cried myself to sleep.

I'm in a long distance relationship. And when you're on different schedules, it's likely that there is a decreasing number of things to talk about, and even less time made for the telling. I assume that more effort must be put into this type of thing to compensate for the lack of physical connection, from which stem a lot of other types of connection (emotional, spiritual, etc.) It's much harder to define yourself as 'in a relationship' because simply no one can see it. It's very difficult to "see." It's also hard to feel it (and I am hesitant to use the word love here) for yourself, especially when you're not reminded of it everyday by any means. And lately I feel like I'm not. That is my problem. Most days, I am living on faith. Faith that yes, my boyfriend still feels the same way. Faith and old pictures, and a couple of letters.

I'm also a girl. Maybe that's the big difference. Is it a girl thing to be so.. emotional? If I could just tell you about my usual day, you would know. I do the college student regimen, eat-sleep-class-repeat, as usual. But then I do (what I call--and I could be wrong) the girl thing. In between each droned out station of my cycle my boyfriend crosses my mind. I think about all the things I want to tell him when/if we talk on the phone at night, how his night went, especially if we didn't talk the night before, if he would respond to a text if I sent one while he was in class, how he's feeling, what he looks like even. My friends know him when I talk about him. It's pretty crazy. Writing it all out makes me seem borderline creep though. But to that I think about how often I actually do get to see him, and how amazing and special it is to still feel smitten. Sometimes, I get long distance butterflies.

But that is not my problem, obviously. My problem is that I'm, contrary to popular belief, a little weak in the faith department. I feel like I constantly need reassurance that this relationship that I've invested so much of myself in is actually what he wants. Is he as happy as I am, basically. The reason it seems so selfish to me is that I'm trying to get a grasp on his feelings by how he interacts with me. Thus, me wanting him to be happy turns into me wanting him to treat me well. And again, writing that out doesn't sound right at all.

I toss and turn because all of these problems spiral downward. It starts off with silly girl things, like "I wish we had more time to talk together" and "I wish he did more sweet romantic gestures like he used to." Then I internalize it, something along the lines of "well, maybe if I were more happy and carefree about it, then I would be more deserving of that time or romance." Then back again, to "but am I that bad, that I deserve nothing?" And again, maybe the reason why I feel neglected is because I deserve to be neglected. Yes, both sides are me talking. So, I wonder, what should I do?

Maybe I am just too blind to see how meaningful little actions are. But, if anything, I've learned that people need to be reminded of how much they are cared for. Special people should be treated like they are special, someone once told me. For now, I'm living off faith.

Expect nothing

2009-03-08T04:19:00.000-07:00

Today I learned to expect nothing. To not be bummed when plans don't work out. To not worry about little things; they're not always as important to other people. To be okay with no calls or responses. I learned that when you ask, you don't always receive. And that chivalry and romance are dead. Yes, very dead. Today, I learned to brush off broken promises because hey, shit happens.

Do I expect nothing so when something does happen, I appreciate it more? And maybe overflow with gratitude and let go of the sense of entitlement, that sense that I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness?

NO!

I expect nothing because when nothing happens, it hurts. Of course I feel like I'm entitled to expect certain things: phone calls, surprises, sweet nothings (haha), whatever. But I expect nothing. It'll hurt less when nothing comes. And when something good happens, hah. It won't.

Bad mood, much? Or just super realistic?

Why?

2009-03-08T01:33:00.001-08:00

I spend my entire day thinking about these 5 minutes.

Spring Quarter

2009-03-05T01:36:00.000-08:00

Mon: Humanities Lecture 11:00-11:50am

Humanities Discussion 3:00-4:20pm

Tues: Anthro Discussion 9:00-9:50am

Chem Lecture 11:00-12:20pm

Anthro Lecture 3:30-4:50pm

Wed: Humanities Lecture 11:00-11:50am

Digital Photography 2:00-2:50pm

Humanities Discussion 3:00-4:20pm

Chem Lab 6:00-9:50pm

(sad face)

Thurs: Chem Lecture 11:00-12:20pm

Chem Discussion 2:00-2:50pm

Anthro Lecture 3:30-4:50pm

Fri: OFF

I think it was Marilyn Monroe that said it

2009-03-03T23:39:00.000-08:00

This was/is probably the longest and nicest journal type thing that I've ever kept. I've always wanted to write more but I feel like--no, I know that--I only blog when I'm depressed or frustrated. And now that I'm generally not, what's so interesting about my life? Haha, so sad. Maybe that's why I'm blogging about it.

Anyway, I feel like there's nothing wrong with being in a particularly chipper mood and squashing anger. I guess having near run-ins with the bad consequences of being a Debbie Downer have changed my way of thinking. And I've learned. Trust me.

One thing that always confuses me, though, is when to tell people that you're upset. It goes back to that "handle me at my worst, deserve me at my best" saying. I have hand picked certain people that I'm inspired to give my best to because I feel like they'll accept me at my worst as well. But I also feel like I give certain people the best of me just because I like them and will like them regardless of whether they stick with me at my low points. And when they don't, I still like them because it's what attracts me. That's just how I am.

Maybe I just can't recognize "tough love," but when I get shot down for being any kind of sad, it just doesn't help the situation. On the contrary, it snowballs.

Just word vomit. I guess I can't expect someone to be able to handle all of my emotions. I'm such a girl (but a girl in a relatively good mood, nonetheless).

A Sunday kind of

2009-01-23T17:58:00.000-08:00

Me that lasts past Saturday night

Me that is ready for work on Monday

Me that goes to church

Me that is care free

I love Sundays.

C.R.E.A.M.

2008-12-24T23:00:00.000-08:00

http://www.aldoshoes.com/us/women/boots/city-fashion/69754636-dorthey

http://www.apple.com/mightymouse/

http://shop.book.uci.edu/ePOS?this_category=50&store=446&item_number=W90010&form=shared3%2fgm%2fdetail%2ehtml&design=446

http://www.betseyjohnson.com/store/productdetails2.aspx?categoryid=6005&productid=6119&np=6005

+ a new cell phone! but i know nothing about cell phones.

These thing grow on me

2008-12-18T01:12:00.000-08:00

10 movie quotes, have a ball.

1) Oh look, a deli meat.
2) It's not hip hop, it's electro. Prick.
3) Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
4) Did he say "making fuck?"
5) Because then you wouldn't be able to hide behind your books, or your frickin' telescope, or your faith. No, no, you know the real reason why you're scared? It's cause you wanna be with me too.
6) So I gotta sit here and eat my dessert alone like I'm fuckin' Steven Glansberg?
7) I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
8) You sit on a throne of lies.
9) Hello, Paul. You are a perfectly healthy, sane and middle-class male yet last month you ran a straight razor across your wrist. Did you cut yourself because you truly wanted to die or did you just want some attention? Tonight, you'll show me.
10) Aww.. he's afraid of the G.I.R.L.

I'm bored.

2008-12-13T22:46:00.000-08:00

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post a line from the songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or ANY other search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game, post your own.

1. Circles and triangles, and now we're hangin' out with your new girlfriend.
2. Here I stand, six feet small, romanticizing years ago.
3. Love is just a chemical creatiooon.
4. Give head. Stop, breathe. Get up, check your weave.
5. She's bad and she knows. I think that she knows.
6. We set the wrong course, and headed due north.
7. In darkness, she is all I see.
8. You're chasing a dime, losing a treasure.
9. Somewhere in her smile, she knows that I don't need no other lover.
10. I'll give you this picture; keep it and don't be scared.

Kodak Moment(s)

2008-12-12T19:51:00.000-08:00

Roll deep and push it to the max

2008-12-09T15:42:00.001-08:00

1: Where's your party at?

2: Don't end a sentence with a preposition.

1: Where's your party at, bitch?

Où est le coeur

2008-11-30T00:37:00.000-08:00

What would you do if you had one day perfectly healthy, I asked? What would you do?
Twenty-four hours?
Twenty-four hours.
Let's see... I'd get up in the morning, do my exercises, have a lovely breakfast of sweet rolls and tea, go for a swim, then have my friends come over for a nice lunch. I'd have them come one or two at a time so we could talk about their families, their issues, talk about how much we mean to each other.
Then I'd like to go for a walk, in a garden with some trees, watch their colors, watch the birds, take in the nature that I haven't seen in so long now.
In the evening, we'd all go together to a restaurant with some great pasta, maybe some duck--I love duck--and then we'd dance the rest of the night. I'd dance with all the wonderful dance partners out there, until I was exhausted. Then I'd go home and have a deep, wonderful sleep.
That's it?
That's it.
It was so simple. So average. I was actually a little disappointed... After all these months, lying there, unable to move a leg or a foot--how could he find perfection in such an average day?
Then I realized this was the whole point.

- Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom

Being home for the holidays is actually quite awkward. You feel so limited time-wise, like you have to cram all of these places to go and people to see in the weekend or the week that you have, making sure that you don't leave anyone out or miss anything good. Constant plans, that's what vacations are right? Bambambam event after event. I think I actually used the phrase "penciled in." Why!?

Not sure, but all of a sudden the stillness of my house at around this time of the night and the darkness I'm comfortable with only because I know where everything is are just a few nuances of why I love coming home-- familiarity.

So after being here for a few days all the plans that I had in my head about the most extreme homecoming ever fizzled out, and I'm left bumming around the house, doing the family thing, keeping tradition, seeing some of my close friends, watching Christmas reruns, eating whatever's on the counter, doing absolutely nothing at Andrew's house, and soaking it all in. All the things I used to do; what else is there?

I love home.

Odd study habit

2008-11-16T19:22:00.001-08:00

I only get things done when I listen to songs from "A Charlie Brown Christmas." Will someone please burn me this CD!?

On being ethical

2008-11-11T18:37:00.000-08:00

A, who is of a somewhat timorous nature, works for a company. He finds out that B, a colleague who is also a friend, has defrauded customers of the company. The action has enhanced the profit of the company, but it also has led to an increase of B's own income. A knows from B that B uses the additional revenue to help a relative in need.

B's actions are illegal and in violation of company rules. But A is also aware of the fact that B is popular with management, not the least because he has been bringing in a lot of money. He - A - also recalls that a whistleblower in a previous case has suffered disadvantages due to his revelations.

(1) He could tell the management and/or the authorities.
(2) But he could also remain silent.
(3) Anonymously arrange for B's doings to become known to the management and/or the authorities;
(4) First try to talk to B and to get him to stop breaking the rules and the law.

Aristotelian Ethics: tell the management and/or the authorities
Lea's Ethics: keep your mouth shut & don't write this paper

2 hours before I go to church

2008-10-26T15:13:00.000-07:00

1.5 hours until commons opens again

1 day until the school week starts again

4 days until my last midterm

13 days until Andrew's visit

26 days until I go back home

27 days until Carissa's cotillion

32 days until Thanksgiving

36 days until December

57 days until that Christmas party

60 days until Christmas

My biggest fear

2008-10-09T01:19:00.000-07:00

"My biggest fear is that I'm going to have the rugged pulled up from under my feet."

In retrospect, maybe that's not my biggest fear. Maybe it's actually watching something very close to my heart hurt. And knowing that the closest I can be is this far away.

Are you happy?

In case you were wondering

2008-09-23T14:16:00.000-07:00

1) I'm officially at UCI.

2) I'm happily rooming with my budddaay. Our room is great. Ask me for my address!

3) The campus is beautiful (and big). The food is okay.

4) It's hot in the daytime, and cold in the evening.

5) Am I ready for classes? Yes and no.

6) Yes, I need something to occupy myself with.

7) No, I don't really have an idea where my classes are.

8) The people here are pretty cool.

9) But I miss all my peepz at home, some now abroad. You know who you are.

10) <3 take this.

How are you?

One of those 3 word surveys

2008-09-02T23:56:00.000-07:00

1. Where is your cell phone?

to my left

2. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/hubby?

in san francisco

3. Your hair?

sloppily put up

4. Where is your father?

hard at work

6. Your favorite thing to do?

wheelin' and dealin'

7. Your dream last night?

i totally forgot

8. Your favorite drink?
high quality h2o

9. Your dream car?
whatever works.. man

10. The room you’re in?

the living room

12. Your fears?

creeper ass spiders

14. Who did you hang out with last night?

the milpitas famiry

15. What aren’t you good at?

catching the rhythm

16. Muffins?

what the hell

17. One of your wish list items?

let me think

19. The last thing you did?

where is 18?

20. What are you wearing?

my purple pajamas

22. Your pet?

love the meganz

23. Your computer?

my white macbook

24. Your life?

is changing drastically

25. Your mood?

chipper right now

26. Missing?

lots of people

27. What are you thinking about right now?

this stupid survey

28. Your car?

in my dreams

29. Your work?

full time student

30. Your summer?

is almost over

31. Your relationship status?

andrew, playa playa

32. Your favorite color(s)?

no such thing!

33. When is the last time you laughed?

today i think

34. Last time you cried?

late last night

35. School?

not there yet

Surveys tell you virtually nothing about someone.

I was sad.

2008-08-26T01:06:00.000-07:00

And in the most unadorned way, the hollow man declares "...that was it. The baby was dead." - Frederic Henry

A Farewell to Arms, Hemingway

Hermit Crab Syndrome

2008-08-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

There's an eerie silence that I feel in both my room and my heart. Not calming, not pleasant. I think it's change, or at least the anticipation for change. Actual dates and times that I thought would never come are here. They're not approximations in terms of nexts and upcomings or nonthreatening countdowns that are easily forgotten. They have become 'in ten hours' and 'tomorrows'. And today I feel genuinely sad.

It's bittersweet, like how most things are. Bitter because I imagine this transition to be like a transition four years go, just magnified. Bitter because change means distance. And distance means phone calls that come less and less often, until they just don't come anymore. Bitter because you want to grow in the company of your old friends, but you know that the 2 can't really happen together. Sweet because although it's depressing to look at yourself circa 2004 and see how much change has torn you apart from some of your favorite things, you realize that it has also led you to the love you surround yourself with today. New favorite things. Lose a friend, find a new one. Drop a habit, find a passion. Shedding such skin has brought me to the people I love, and the me that I love. Sweet because, hey, I'm alive and thriving.

What depresses me is the knowledge that BOOM! bittersweet change is a cycle. That my attachment to things will slowly slowly ease up. It leaves me feeling small, and a little helpless.

I do the whole pros and cons thing with change. Change is why me and my middle school chums don't really talk anymore. But change is what led me to great people from church. Change breaks couples up. But change has blessed me w/ Andrew. Change means you have to take better care of yourself. But it also means that less people will ask you if you're a freshman in high school. Damn!

What tips the scale though is the fact that we're all a little smarter than we think or give ourselves credit for. We've developed a foundation for ourselves with constants based on every aspect of our lives. We evaluate and edit our lives without even knowing it. Thus, we deal a little bit better each time. Right now I'm not an emotionally unstable awkward dumb thirteen year old. I'm at a point where I know what I want and am strong enough to not just hold on, but draw myself closer to what's most important to me. I believe, I really do believe that I can absorb change without compromising who I am (down at the core). I can let new people in without shutting the door on others. I can multiply, without dividing.

So to the ones close to my heart,

I pray that you remember where you came from, wherever you go. That you avoid the perfunctory "I miss you, haven't heard from you in forever!" as much as you can. And that we have lunch some day. That you draw yourself closer to what's important to you. That you find it if you haven't. That you keep your cell phones on for me and your dorm room doors open for others. (Or e-mail me!) Please remember, often. Call it separation anxiety. But I'll miss you with my whole being. Thanks.

Always here when you need me,
Lea

What do you use your camera phone for?

2008-08-10T11:05:00.000-07:00

Props to my Blackjack II fshaaao!

Well, I thought it was funny

2008-08-05T01:02:00.000-07:00

On how much food to give the dog:

She its a lot.

Cutting your losses

2008-07-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

You know that Bible passage where the guy's talking to God and he's like, 'if there are 40 righteous people in this town, will you spare it?' and God says yeah. And then he says 'what about 30, or 20, etc' and God says yeah until he reaches 10. So I guess 10 is the cut off number. Remember that story? I think we only had like, 9.

I've got a ton to say, give me a few days.

A single hand writing several stories

2008-07-20T21:36:00.000-07:00

a single hand - xoxo, panda

quote: unlike most children, i hated to see the day come when i will be grown up. i wish to be young always-- henry darger

we seem to find comfort in categories and peace in placement. the world moves quickly around us. there are so many variables, and unanswered questions. who? what? when? and more importantly why? we feel like we constantly need to pick a side and stick with it...whether it be politically, socially, or artistically. despite the fact that our outlooks and philosophies are ever changing with each passing day. I have struggled with this often through the years. taking one facet of myself, both personally and creatively, and holding onto it so tightly, until there was nothing but ash in my hand. who would i be without a definite description? a tangible tag line? the weight of one question can be enough to make a back break. i picked up the phone and called an old friend.

"this is how i am feeling...and i don't exactly know what to do with it"

"come visit me" she said "and we will figure it out together"

i packed my bags. three pairs of pants. two shirts. and one old notebook that i had yet to press a pen to. i kissed ella on the cheek and said. "i will see you when it's sorted." for two days we sat in silence on that beach and listened to the waves. foolishly, i waited for an answer to wash up on to the shore. but by my sandy feet there was only an old rusty bottle cap to speak of. this was of no surprise to me.

"nothing is easy" i thought.

"yes" she said aloud, "everything is possible!"

i looked at her. as deep into her big eyes as i could stand. it was such a simple four word statement. yet, it sat inside me with the strength of dynamite. little explosions started going off in my head that got bigger and bigger and bigger. with my lips slightly moving to the beat of the moment, i kept repeating her words over and over to myself...

"yes...everything is possible, yes...everything is possible, yes...everything is possible."

she sat back on her elbows and stretched out in the sun.

"you know" she said. "the thing with you, is that you somehow managed to take a tiny percent of yourself, the smallest fraction, and turn it into your only equation. in this life, there are so many sides to everything. and that includes you. you have so many things waiting to come out...and yet you insist on building from only one part of yourself. you wouldn't point to your pinky and say this is my entire body. just like you wouldn't look at one branch and declare that this is a tree. but if you add all of the little puzzle pieces together, it makes up one entire picture. but right now, how you live, and how you create, you are just a little torn corner of a photograph. and i know deep inside you, even more so than me, you are dying to see what's in the rest of the frame"

she continued....

"a single hand can write several stories. you have made your point. You have said everything you can about it. lay that old character aside for a minute and allow yourself to make some new ones. put them in films, paintings, poems or songs. give them different names if you like...they can be heroes or villains, it doesn't matter. but what does matter is that all of them together, standing side by side, will make up one thing as a whole...and that's you. be brand new, let yourself have the innocence of a kid again. have it be your call to arms...make a revival out of it."

i reached into my bag and pulled out my crumpled, empty notebook. she handed me a pen that was resting in secret behind her ear that suggested she knew all along that this is where the story would begin . i scribbled out four words of my own...

"THE NEW KID REVIVAL"

she looked at the smudged ink, gently smiled and said...

"i guess you're ready to go home now."

a single hand, her space holiday

http://www.myspace.com/herspaceholiday

The relationship seminar

2008-07-20T00:24:00.001-07:00

While we were walking into the mall Andrew, Katrina, and I were stopped by these people who were making a documentary for this seminar on dating and relationships. They asked us if we wanted to be interviewed, and we had a lot of time to kill and I guess we were feeling really nice. The questions were simple/general but surprisingly really hard to answer. Try it for yourself. These were just a few:

1) What do you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend?

We basically had the same answers for this question. Someone we could see ourselves with for a long time, someone who just clicked with us, someone compatible and interesting, lalala.

2) How would you prepare yourself for marriage?

Can you ever be prepared for marriage?

3) What is your ideal relationship?

A long-lasting one, haha. I believe the term is LTR. But it's definitely one that grows and adjusts to change, but at the same time maintains its initial essence, so that I'm always reminded of why I'm in a relationship to begin with. Does that even make sense? Healthy and happy, you know.

4) What is love?

Nobody had an answer for this one. I know it's good, though.

5) What is your parents' marriage like?

Different for everyone. My parents have been married for a long time, and they're pretty solid.

6) When should a couple have sex?

This is a big one. I think it should happen when both people are ready, and most people associate that w/ marriage. I know I do. Sadly 50% of marriages end in divorce, so for 50% of couples maybe it shouldn't be the indicator of "oh, we're ready." I don't even know what it means to be fully ready anyway. Either way, be safe.

7) Are you in a relationship right now? Have you had past relationships before? What has been your best relationship?

I've had one other relationship prior to the one I'm in right now. It didn't work out because it turned into an LDR. And I'm not against long distance, this was just a lot of miles (roughly 6 thousand), and I was like, 14. I learned a lot about myself during that time, which is good, I guess. But the relationship I'm in right now is the best oh fsho. Who would say that their current relationship isn't the best, anyway?

8) Do you ever get jealous?

Jealousy, for me, is an out of body experience. It's something you know is totally wrong deep down, so when you get jealous, you know it. And then you feel dumb. This is why it never lasts longer than a couple of minutes.

They got kicked out, or were asked to leave during our interview haha. For a bunch of 18 year olds we had some pretty good (and different) answers. We might not be the most experienced or profound individuals but hey, we tried. And I got a kick out of listening to Andrew's answers. He's a boss. It's amazing how much you can learn about yourself by telling someone else what you think. Oh, to be a student of life.

To whom it may conc-urn

2008-07-15T00:19:00.000-07:00

Can you answer 51 questions about the 1st person on your top friends list? Don’t change your top friend.

1) What’s their name?
Urn

2) Does he or she have a boyfriend/girlfriend??
Fash. I mean yes!

3)Do you get along with this person all the time?
Most days

4) How old is the person?
Like 20

5) Has he/she ever cooked for you?
He makes a mean panini

6) Is this person older than you?
Yes

7) Have you ever kissed this person?
We're more of the high-five type

9) Are you related to this person?
Hell yeah - Ginuwine

10) Are you really close to him/her?
I would say so

11) Nickname?
Can't get any shorter than Urn

13) How many times do you talk to this person in a week?
Many a time a week

14) Do you think they will repost this?
No.. wait is that a challenge?

15) Could you live with this person?
I have been

16) Why is this person your number 1?
He's there by default.
And when he's on my page he gets easy access to view his own page

18) How long have you known this person?
Like 50 years

19) Have you ever been to the mall with this person?
All the time

20) Have you ever had a sleepover with this person?
Sure?

21) If you ever moved away would you miss this person?
If? When. And definitely

23) Have you ever done something really stupid or illegal with this person?
Probably

24) Do you know everything about this person?
I guess

25) Would you date this person’s siblings?
Without hesitation

26) Have you ever made something with this person?
Trouble!! LOL

29) Have you gone skinny dipping with this person?
Ew

31) Is your #1 on drugs?
Nah

32) Have u ever worn this persons clothes?
Sweaters that he's outgrown

34) Have you and your #1 person made up a hand shake?
Just lock it up

35) If it was “freaky friday” would you switch bodies with this person?
Today is Tuesday, and no

36) Have you ever heard this person sing?
Faith - George Michael

38) Do you and this person have a saying?
Sure

39) Do you know this persons myspace password?
Yeah

41) Have you and this person ever gotten into a fight that lasted more than 2 days?
Define fight

44) Have you and this person gone clubbing?
I wanna smoke in the club. No!

45) Do you know how to make this person feel happy?
Yes. The secret is my constant presence

46) Do you and this person talk alot?
Yeah! Like Usher

47) Do you like this person?
He's aight

48) Has this person yelled at you?
Yes. He don't play no games

49) Have you and this person got into a fist fight?
No. I got him with a remote to the eye once though

50) Do you want to go out with this person?
Nah.. wait, did somebody say Nickel City?

51) Do you want to be friends with them forever?
Yeah!!! Friends Forever - Zack Attack

Sitting waiting wishing

2008-07-12T23:00:00.000-07:00

This has been the slowest week in the history of weeks and of slow. Seriously. It's supposed to be my birthday week of fun! What happened? I've been in the house this whole week basically. =T Although my MacBook and I have become much better friends, there's only so much you can do before you go nuts. Things I have succumbed to this past week:

1) Walking outside in the hot hot sun

2) Blogging (do you see the # of posts in July?)

3) Making turkey sandwiches and eating turkey sandwiches

4) ETR games ('this isn't lame, is it?')

5) Oversleeping

Being so bored actually makes me extremely depressed.

To love at all

2008-07-10T01:24:00.000-07:00

On relationships.. I guess.

"Now is not the time to be separated." A very interesting statement and virtually the only thing I took from a conversation I had earlier. I went back and forth with the idea that, wrt any and all relationships, there is a time for everything. A time to be together, a time to be apart, a time to be clingy, a time to be alone, whatever. But is there? Or does there have to be?

I think it's human nature for us to want to have the upper hand on things, or at least to look like we have the upper hand on things. Play hard to get. Never look too interested. You don't want them, they want you. We don't like to dive completely in or go too fast. We certainly don't like to be wrong. Sometimes I wait two rings before I answer the phone. I don't answer my messages as quickly as I could. I look to see if anyone else is eating at parties before I start eating. I even read on Yahoo! that when you're car shopping, it's strategy that you never drop the phrase "I really really like this car!" because you don't want to sound too attached, eager, and possibly vulnerable (to unreasonable prices).

I think that I have created those "times" where I separate myself from certain relationships because of that fear or being vulnerable/need to have the upper hand. That and I'm naturally a person who seldom wears her heart on her sleeve. And sometimes I regret it because it gets in the way of me making really good friends or telling people how I really feel. Maybe I have a fear of becoming something or someone that I've stereotyped as "hella lame." You know, don't want to look too clingy, too naive, too ______. Too vulnerable. Too scared of watching a relationship fail and regretting all of the things that I've said/done.

When I write it all out, the whole scared-to-put-myself-out-there thing makes me sound kind of weird. Like, oh, thats it? Hah. I'm starting to see that people who look at that fear and go "aw, fuck it" are living way happier lives. And I am more appreciative of them every single day.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. --C.S. Lewis

A Blue-Sky Space Solution

2008-07-09T20:09:00.000-07:00

This has got to be the coolest house I've ever seen in my life:

Sky Lark, William Shaw

...The result, Didden Village, is literally a blue-sky solution to the Didden family’s problem. It is an architectural palimpsest, a new structure added to an old one, in line with MVRDV’s mission to make existing spaces work harder. The “village” consists of three bedrooms built on the roof: a big room for the parents and two smaller, semi-detached ones for the two boys, each a distinct houselike shape and separated symbolically by what Maas describes as “a main street.” The whole represents both the connections between the family members and their need to go their own ways.

Each bedroom is accessed by its own private spiral staircase — light wooden structures suspended from the metal frame that Maas laid over the original roof. Ending just short of the floor below, the stairs appear to float magically downward. The boys’ two staircases entwine DNA-like around each other; a climbing rope hangs down a tube in the middle. From their platform beds the boys can open windows in the opposite slopes of the roof to talk to each other at night. “It’s weirdly logical,” van de Kamp says. “Maas sees a problem, and he solves it.”

The blue-painted exterior was also Maas’s idea. “It connects it to the sky,” he says. Sjoerd Didden admits to having developed a ritual of stepping out onto the roof every morning to brush his teeth in the blueness. “And then the day is starting well,” he says.

Maas’s deliberate childlike house shapes combined with the dazzling blank blue planes create the impression that you are living inside a CAD drawing rather than a real house; it’s as if the house is still in a constant process of being imagined. “Exactly that,” Maas says, delighted at another’s interpretation. “No more, no less.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/magazine/06Style-t.html

I hate my horoscope

2008-07-03T15:29:00.000-07:00

070308: You may find it difficult to tell others what you need because you are afraid they won't understand. It's easy to think that if someone truly loves you, he or she should already know what you want, but this isn't necessarily the case. Muster up the courage and share your feelings, for you must do your part if you really expect true satisfaction.

Apologies for cupcake wishes

2008-07-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

Accompanied by Birthday Malaise, Raining Jane

Thanks, RJ. The birthday feelings fluctuate, which gets me really upset even though I really shouldn't be upset at all. I'd rather not expect anything for my birthday and be totally wow-ed. Of course I want to do stuff. But people constantly asking me what I want kind of tears all the magic away from it tbqh.

"Whatever you want."
Damn.

But what do you really want?

2008-07-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

I want people to remember my birthday w/o me publicly announcing it like a douche. I want phone calls and texts and visits like it was my last day on earth. I want to be surprised--flowers, cards, cakes, balloons, songs, the works. I want to see all my friends. I want it photo-worthy. I want to be overwhelmed. I want to be suspended in the air. I want to feel special. Selfish, I know.

But I'm reluctant to plan anything myself because frankly, I don't think I deserve a damn thing. Why build myself up? My 17th birthday sucked ass. To cope, I internalized it. And now I'm scared that I am no different than I was last year.

Rant, my bad.

"What do you want for your birthday?"

2008-06-28T00:22:00.000-07:00

1) Comfort. I am very rarely 100% comfortable in the situation that I'm in. I want to surround myself with people I love, feel welcome, and just bask in good vibes. I want to be able to look around me and say "hey, this is where you belong." Good times.

2) An adrenaline rush. I want to do something EXTREME! And perhaps scare the pants off of myself. Preferably something involving great heights.

3) To see a breathtaking view. I love being outside.

4) To be completely surprised. Except asking for this instills some irrational hope that it will happen. And I'm not a fan of building myself up for nothing.

Nobody really asked me this question, just thought I'd write it down somewhere. It's 1 day out of 365, right? Sometimes 366.

This month's question

2008-06-17T19:49:00.001-07:00

Real Simple is officially one of my new favorite magazines. I was reading it while watching Urn get a haircut because I have a thing about staying inside of the house for long periods of time. I guess Real Simple poses a question to all of its readers each month and puts some of the "best" responses in the actual issues (the rest go online). Anyway, this month's intriguing question is

What are the top-three things on your lifelong to-do list?

Good question, Real Simple. Prior to reading this (AND prior to watching A Walk to Remember, tyvm) I have had an ever-changing list in my head. Some have been accomplished, most haven't. But the women, and select men, who have responded to this make me want to write it down somewhere. Some of my favorites from the issue have to do with experiencing major events like "Seeing the Northern Lights" or "Holding my children('s children-'s children. Those were her top 3). Others had to do with accomplishing great feats or reaching a certain "ahh" point in life. And others were simple "find a way to.." kind of things. And they ranged from beyond realistic to far fetched. What are mine?

1) Witness the view from somewhere high. Maybe a high hill or a roof top overlooking.. well I wouldn't know.

I'll tell you the other 2 later.

On out of body experiences

2008-06-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

Accompanied by Selah, Lauryn Hill

TWIMC: My apologies. I can see myself becoming someone I don't want to be. And now that I've acknowledged it, you would think that it'd be easy to say, "hey, can you not?" So why can't I? I'm depressed, unappreciative, angry, all the things I used to laugh at because I was far from them. I'm confused because this is some seriously unreasonable emotional fluctuation. I'm overwhelmed with sadness. And tears. And I fear that it'll push some of my most valued and endearing friends away. I have built myself up for a remedy that hasn't magically revealed itself. I am falling hard. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. In the words of Prison Mike, "you got a good life, kid."

Say a little prayer for me. Use words if you have to.

The yearbook question

2008-06-10T11:28:00.000-07:00

What is the one thing you're going to miss the most at ND?

What I'll miss most from ND is the tradition-in-the-making. Over the four years we've been part of long lasting traditions like creating a class mascot, Spirit Week, Baccalaureate Mass, all that, and we've been the pioneers and guinea pigs for new traditions from the frosh sleepover to even things like class sweatpants. It ties together the thousands of girls that have attended ND and to be able to say "hey, I was a part of that" is a blessing. I don't think I'll ever find another place that lives and breathes and eats and cherishes tradition like ND.

It was about 24 hours too late to be in the yearbook, but I still mean it.

Oh most beautiful you,

2008-06-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

well here i am
i'm sitting alone again
i'm staring up at the sky
which at this lonely moment is my only friend
and suddenly as i gazed upon the night
well i notice the stars
they began to shake and dance and burst
and fall into the darkness
they exploded down
i knew what i had to do
i ran up to the top of the hill
and i took ahold for you
you were the sweetest star that fell
and yes, i held onto it close
to the numbness in my heart

and then i kissed a star
yes i did
i wrapped it up inside of a golden bow
and then i ran away
just to find you
cause this was your gift
your gift
oh shit
a star that i kissed
oh the galaxy that lives inside your eyes
was in need
i said it was in need
of a, of a brand new shining light
i said i wished to the dark sky above
that all i had was to be captured
and willingly turned over to you
i know you better now
and at this i smile
i simply gave to you
the symbol of what you are to me
you are the star that shines
and explodes with light
and i love and embrace
love and embrace all that i can
you better take this blindess and stay away from me
and let me bask inside of your golden seam
i never knew such simple astronomy
i never knew it could come to me
and not by the ways of the heart

and call on me
to be one of those strangely dressed wise men
who follow the stars to their love
you are such a perfect star to wish upon
well i love you and god and i'm hopeful
of what this lonely night may lead me to
so i said god i'm hopeful
of what this lonely, lonely night
will lead me tonight
oh well, well i'm hopeful that this lonely night
well it shines so right
i'm hopeful
i'm hopeful of all good things
to come about
i'm wishing upon you now
yeah, i'm wishing upon you now

free me and let me indulge my view
oh most beautiful you
keeper of starlight
take on me
oh, oh, oh
well here i am
i'm sitting all by myself again
i stare up at the sky
which at this moment is my only friend
say well, suddenly as i gazed upon the night
well i notice the stars
they began to shake and burst
oh it looks like they want to fight, no
they were dancing
they were romancing
oh, they were falling in love
they falling in love all over
falling in love all over
falling in love, falling in love, falling in love
i say falling in love, falling in love all over
falling in love, is my best friend
falling in love all over,
all over again

galaxy, jason mraz

I don't know, either.

2008-05-22T00:33:00.000-07:00

Alright, I have to go. I dropped a seed on accident and tried to cover it with dirt. And stupid, stupid me, it grew. With my back turned to it I've masked its growth with this awkward smile. I feel fine. And I only feel a little sad when I turn around and realize that my height and my smile are not enough to stop my trouble tree from growing. The damn thing feeds off of my tears. So tonight I'm building a tree house made of bricks, perfectly contoured to its prickly branches. Hopefully my head is heavy enough that the entire thing will crumble the moment I step inside. Pray for me.

Inspired to be inspired every day

2008-05-18T14:51:00.000-07:00

and I promise
to move my hands slow enough
so that someone might notice the wrinkles in them.
and only to sit on them
so that my face has nothing to bury itself in
save its own reflection.

Epic.

2008-04-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

Andrew asked me to prom :)

The Invitation

2008-03-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

copyright © 1999 by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

On heavy rotation

2008-02-17T10:40:00.000-08:00

In a state of deep, deep appreciation for music. You know when you put your iTunes on shuffle just because and magically you're graced with the greatest line up of songs? It left me at my desk for hours, listening to the rise and fall of every emotion I've ever felt. Cool, right?

Not all of these songs are from my mega playlist, but they're songs that have been on my mind right now. So, in no particular order:

(1) Will You Still Love Me (Tomorrow)? - Amy Winehouse. I'm really feeling this version. I love her voice and this song is pretty much all of my inevitable fears and questions rolled into 3 minutes of excellence. And it's currently my MySpace song!
Tonight with words unspoken, you say that I'm the only one. But will my heart be broken when the night meets the morning sun?

(2) River God - Nichole Nordeman. I like to listen to this song with the volume really really low. The faintness (is that a word?) of the whole thing makes my heart sink. This really is sweet prayer.
The deepest part of you is where I want to stay, and feel the sharpest edges wash away.

(3) As Things Collide - Maroon 5. I actually can't explain how this song makes me feel. When I listen to it or think of how to explain it, my hand moves in a flowy, left-to-right motion. And my eyes close. That's always a sign of a good song.
Cause I've spoken with all other the angels, they don't know what to do. And I agree with them whole heartedly, I do.

(4) Overdue - The Get Up Kids. On the soundtrack to my life, this is the "mental breakdown" song. And I'm pretty sure that it's been used as a mental breakdown song on some show, and if not, it really should be.
Do hope I won't learn to make the same mistakes, that you would. Make me aware, that only fear, my only hope, is letting go.

(5) We Know - Talib Kweli ft. Faith Evans. This song never ever ceases to cheer me up. "We Know" and I have been good friends since freshman year.
Got you hopin' for the glorious, waitin' for that victorious feelin' wanted by all of us, kneelin' and praying that the Lord in us will help us love ourselves.

(6) Streets of NY - Terror Squad. See #5.
Because all I live to do is be the one He meant for you. And what you want me to be I can be that, honey.

(7) Sonny - New Found Glory. Sometimes I feel like my brother and I are the only people that listen(ed) to New Found Glory. It paints a very realistic emotion, like most of their songs.
An empty chair at all the tables, and I'll be seeing you when all my days boil down.

(8) Dear Jamie, Sincerely Me - Hellogoodbye. I've felt this way before, oh yes. And the whole letter motif makes this song even better. This is on a CD of 6 songs, all of which are pretty epic. I put this on full blast on my headphones, and this is like, a 7 minute song.
But should I trust the postage due, to deliver my heart to you?

(9) Sundays - Daphne Loves Derby. Daphne is one of my favorite bands. I hope that someday, I'll be worthy enough for someone to see me in this light. I've had the pleasure of experiencing this song live. It was amazing!
You carve yourself in stones, with the strength of all convinced. But I know your skin is still as thin as mine.

(10) Love is Real - Jason Mraz. Everything about this song is good! And when I hear it, I feel it, like he's singing it to me differently each time. It's so beautiful and simple and warm. Shoot. That was really corny.
You'll be laughing so loud that the house will shake with sound. And everything will be as new as the day it was found.

I should stop at ten, even though there are probably about 5 other songs that are blog-worthy right now. I mean, I haven't even gotten to sift through some India Arie, classical, oldies, and Don't Stop Me Now by Queen (Shaun of the Dead, anyone?) So I'll probably end up making a new and improved list. But seriously, I hope you guys occasionally let some of your favorite music take over, surprise you, move you, all that jazz. And share it with the world, I'm always up for a good listen. "It's a beautiful thaang!"

I'm really drained. I just got back from our school's senior retreat, so (naturally) there's this post-retreat euphoria that I'm currently high off of. Bear with me, I just cried my weight in tears, but not really.

Word vomit... no, actual vomit.

2008-02-05T19:42:00.000-08:00

From an old, unpublished blog:

You and I, we're like a pair of dice. Shaken around and thrown hard down on the ground, each time showing yet another side to ourselves, in hopes that maybe one day we'll win big. But it's almost comical (in that 'irony is so funny' kind of way) how we never match up. One and six, two and four, vulnerable and indifferent, forward and protected. Seriously, we suck at this. But what kind of game is this anyway? Of fate, of trust in some force to align your universe? If so, then yes, we are pretty damn unlucky.

But no, dear. This is not a horoscope. Not an inspirational quote, not a fortune cookie.

A lot of talk about the zodiac, horoscopes, and fortunes in general in the past two days has encouraged me to question fate's validity. As much as I love reading my horoscope and thinking, "SO true!" I can't help but doubt that letting things happen will work, or is even possible. I think there's just so much more meaning in a life of effort, of action, if that makes sense. I mean, believing that "everything is going to be okay" is not a bad thing at all. Faith in those little motivational sayings is not unhealthy. In fact, I think you need to have that kind of mindset. But it's almost like an unfinished sentence.

Everything is going to be okay...provided that? ...because? ...when you ___? If you're meant to be with someone, eventually you will be...if? ...because? ...when you ___?

Sometimes I am indeed a firm believer in "going with it." I'm all for trust. But more often I think I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum. That side isn't faithless, is it? I don't think so. Faith without action is dead, right? That's James 2:17. I could just be a little pessimistic today, or out of touch with my care-free romantic self, or, and this is a big or, I could actually be right for once. But who knows?

This is a nasty back and forth blog. It might just be the vaccinations talking. The shots could also be the reason why I posted 2 semi-connected blogs in one day, for the first time in like two weeks. Thank you, tetanus shot.

The Existential Dilemma

2008-02-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

THE INNER PRISON: Responsibility Brings Freedom
Veeresh on the Existential Dilemma

I grew up with the idea that responsibility was a very heavy term. Responsibility was not a very popular word for me. Then I got to Phoenix House, where I got involved with Dr Ramirez and his work. He was the first Commissioner of Narcotics of the City of New York, and he created the theoretical framework for the Phoenix House program. He said that responsibility was your ability to respond in a positive constructive way to all life situations. Before that I never wanted to accept responsibility for anything, but now he was showing me that it could work for me in a positive way - not only for me, but for everyone else.

Freedom is an awareness process. You can feel free in jail; you can feel free outside of jail. The fact is, you can take the prisoner out of jail, but you can't take the jail out of the prisoner...

To become free, you need to assume the right to choose, to be, and trust that you have the right to make mistakes. That sense of existence, that awareness is important.

Opposed to freedom is license. License is when you give yourself so-called permission to react, to act out, and to give a big NO to the world, and to yourself.

I remember I was living in a house with my son when he was about 3 years old. I was responsible for taking him outside and play with him, and make sure he was all right. He was on his tricycle. I opened the door and he had to go through a level of stairs, turn on a landing and then another level of stairs and then he could go out of the house. I said, 'Get off your bike so I can pick it up and take it downstairs.' He said, 'No.' I insisted and he kept saying no. Then I asked, 'So, what do you want?' He said he wanted to go downstairs with his bike. I said, 'You can't.' He said, 'Yes, I want it!' Then I said, 'Fuck it, then do it!'

That was irresponsible. I gave myself license. He fell down the stairs, turned completely around and miraculously landed on the bicycle. He started to cry, and then it occurred to me that he could have died. I realized that I didn't care.

That's when license comes. It comes with 'fuck it!' It is what addicts do to find an excuse to use dope. They summarize it with, 'Fuck it, I don't care'. That's license. You give yourself the rational consent to say no, and even though you know it's all wrong, you buy it and you do it.

I would like to think that there is always a chance for a person to change at any age in their life. So far hasn't been that way. If you look at how it really goes, people are pretty much set in their ways. That's it. They don't want to change; they don't want to look; they don't want to be aware; they don't want to meditate. They think going in and looking at their inner world is a waste of time. Maintaining their life and arranging their valuables is more important than spacing inside yourself.

These people suddenly start to believe in God when they had a near death experience or something extreme like that. Heavy stress, shock, seems to create change. You suddenly realize, 'Oh man, there is something wrong. I'm going to die; I'd better hurry up and live!'

The existential dilemma of living in the moment is becoming aware that you have the ability to respond in an unlimited way to all your life situations. All your creativity and godliness can come out and you have at the same time the other side of the coin, the ability to impinge, stop, hinder and destroy.

The existential dilemma is broken when you take responsibility and make a choice. You decide, and sometimes you need to be helped to decide because most people find it difficult. They would rather just be in this morass of inability, of not really trying, of giving up. They are not really reacting, not really saying yes, not really saying no. They maintain an 'it doesn't really matter' attitude. They are in between, not knowing what to do and not living in the moment, but living in the past or future.

The existential dilemma is the question of what to do. How to live my life in this moment? What are my choices? What are my responsibilities? If you answer these questions over and over in a positive way, hopefully there is an upper spiral, instead of a downward spiral, which is the way of the addict.

When something is going on, I want to deal with it as soon as possible. I don't want to delay it, and that comes from this existential position. Everything that I can change is here and now in this moment - everything else is just speculation. I operate that way.

http://www.humaniversity.nl/veerart04.htm

4 year old dreams, 4 more months to go

2008-01-22T17:48:00.000-08:00

1. Try out for the school musical.

Why, you wonder? I think trying out is so out of my element. It's not like singng in church, that's for sure. The feeling that I get when I'm singing in church is this joyful, happy emotion, definitely not nerve wracking. No one judges you when you sing in church (that's a total lie, but just go with me on this one) because it's not about your ability to hold out notes (although that's always a good thing) as much as it is about service and leading in worship. When I'm singing in front of the head of the drama department and the music coach, the feeling is more of a "please please pick me" thang-thang. And the feeling behind that one is still a "please like me" one. For those 30 a cappella-ed seconds, I swear my whole body was shaking, from my awkward hands to my so-called fearless shoes. But it was something I had to do. No doubt I'm glad I did it. I honestly don't care if I'm Toffee or a background girl or if they don't call me back at all (Zombie Prom, if you didn't know). The goal was to try out. Mission accomplished!

This is part of an unofficial checklist that I have for the last 4 months of my high school career. Call it the high that tags along with new beginnings (2nd semester, yo), but it's a good push. As embarrassing or as mortifying as it is, trying new things is where it's at.

*Oh, and this is being written on my badass phone, so I apologize for any typos. I DO know how to spell! The Blackjack (who I've yet to name. Yes, I mean who) has buttons that don't accommodate normal sized fingers. And as a side note, I kinda feel like Rev Run right now, minus the rose petal bubble bath.

What I like about you

2008-01-15T15:44:00.000-08:00

I know you're going though a lot and that I'm in no position to give you advice or tell you what to do, but I just thought you should know that I absolutely love who you are.

And I'm not just saying that to make you feel better (although I hope it does) or because it's what I think sounds right at this point in time. We talk about settling down soon and growing up an awful lot, but secretly I'm glad we've never taken that mantra too seriously, because through all the stress and anxiety and calculus homework that we face every day, it's so necessary that we don't forget what's really important. I can give you a never ending list of all the things that I do in a day. But when it comes down to it-- what have I really accomplished, what has made me truly happy-- you've got me beat. And I admire you whole heartedly for always being a breath of fresh air and a reminder of how much we all need a little spontaneity, laughter, self-confidence, wonder, and all these other clever words I can't think of right now. You just being you has done that for me.

It seems to me that you've been getting talks about how/when/where/with whom you should live your life and I don't want to place any additional heavy words of wisdom (or lack of) on your shoulders. I think there's always room for improvement and maturity emotionally, spiritually, academically, whatever. But I would be really bummed if the outrageously funny, crazy, beautiful spirit I've come to know and appreciate was ever compromised for something or someone without your full consent. But you're smart, and you know more about yourself than I ever will, so I don't think you really needed to hear what I just told you.

In an affirmation last week, you wrote that I was one of the most amazing people you have met at school, which totally made my day, by the way. I don't really remember word for word what I wrote on yours, but if you ever need a reaffirmation, man, I think you're great, and I'll always like you for who you are, real talk (had to). You'll be fine. The crooked path has its dividends, remember?

The Desperado Effect

2008-01-13T19:03:00.000-08:00

I rarely do this, but lately I've been so into the Eagles. And as of five minutes ago, I'm so into this girl right here. She's extreme:

Desperado, what a song. Butterflies, this foreign group from I forget where does a really nice cover of the song, too. But they're so low key that I can't find anything on them except for what's on MySpace. But back to Desperado. Talk about my life in lyrics. I'd post them on here but I don't want to fall down a slippery slope of putting other people's inspirational quotes and thoughts on my page. But trust me, the song is absolutely amazing, everything I've recently wanted to say to a lot of people in the most awe inspiring, tear-jerking (although I didn't really) fashion. So thank you Eagles, Butterflies, and lma2130 from YouTube for beautifully expressing something I thought was impossible to extract out of me.

Music is power!

If there are any musicians out there (that read my blog? dream on, Lea), I have a new, sort of unexpressed emotion on my plate: it's an "I-go-back-and-forth-between-caring-so-much
-that-I-want-you-to-be-happy-even-at-my-expense
-and-standing-up-and-fighting-for-how-I-feel" kind of feeling. If you could tackle and express that in lyrics, I'd forshizz melt down off of my chair and seep into the carpet (like Alex Mack).

A lesson about humidity and strength

2008-01-12T15:54:00.000-08:00

I guess the humidity in Hawaii is not as kind as it is in California. But I learned that the hard way a couple of days ago when I had a go at "at the beach" wavy hair. It may not be your fault that I woke up late or that I panicked and used a brush to attack a mess of curls, but humidity, you're an inconsistent jerk, and you added about 6 inches of frizz to the diameter of my head on Friday. Lesson learned.

On a less narcissistic but more serious note, I'm noticing that I'm not as strong or as, to quote Mayer, bold as love as I think I am. And when I say that I mean especially right at this moment because I'm emotionally getting served a taste of my own medicine. And even though I shouldn't compare myself to other people, I think I show way less endurance when it comes to being slowly but surely knocked down. I think it's because I've never had to get back up from anything, or at least anything so utterly daunting. But that unexpressed pain that my horoscope (I know, my horoscope, right?) said would die down is still eating at me. I'm also taking some non-astrological advice, if you're wondering. I am starting to believe that if you really care, you shouldn't just drop out of someone's universe, even if you don't get what you want. I'd respect myself a lot more if I could commit to that.

Dear John(ny),

2008-01-09T23:18:00.000-08:00

I wrote you a letter two weeks ago.

I wanted to make it something meaningful, something special. It started out with a couple of inside jokes, recalling the stuff we did or talked about in the past. Little, stupid trivial things that I remember, like how I secretly like being in your car even when it smells funny. I wrote some thank you's for all the things you've done for me. For all the times you remembered my birthday and walked me to my door. You didn't have to, but you did. I said you were "epic," and I truly meant that.
I started writing about how lately I've been unusually open and willing to let my guard down, and I put down all these reasons why this could be happening. My good mood, your innately welcoming character, the start of a new year, and a simple "maybe, I don't know," all these reasons. These reasons mean nothing to me.
I rewrote this letter four times, and I could tell you that I just lost the last three, or that I just couldn't find the right words to say, but really I wrote you four different versions of the same letter because I just can't bring myself to being so honest.

I can't give you that letter.

I sugar-coated, and that's not fair to you. It's taking so much of me to do this. I realized that the reason why I felt so differently about things-- why I let my guard down, why I shed these layers-- is because, well, I liked you, and when you like someone, you let them in, because you want them near. I say "I don't know" an awful lot, but I do. How I feel is so clear to me. But I keep it to myself, because if you don't like me back, then no one's hurt, because no one knows. Why should I give someone the power to hurt me? People are sharks.
I'm not asking you to like me back or tell me how you feel. I'm not asking you for anything. I just wanted to let you know that, at the time, I cared. I thought the world of you! And I still do care, to a lesser, slightly platonic degree, but you can't be subject to how I feel; it's just there. And this feeling, it's entirely mine. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable or obligated to do anything you wouldn't. Do your thing, whatever you want. I just really needed to let you know.

Don't be that guy!

2008-01-08T17:17:00.000-08:00

So I've realized that I reveal nothing striking or distinctive about myself in this. Seriously, this could be anyone, which makes me feel a little disappointed. But it still fails to provide me with the jump-start-motivation to spill my entire life story to someone who clicks the link to my blog just for kicks and 12 point Georgia font.

Good things are a-happenin', and yet I still feel bitter resentment in the pit of my stomach.

Yesterday, over some In-n-Out, Urn, Beth, and I (well, mostly Urn and Beth) had a conversation about common trends in relationships that progress all the way up until the point of... "official" commitment, I guess. They're relationships that travel up a hill and can't seem to get over it but don't have the heart (or brains) to come back down to earth. I tried to put in my two cents but, who am I to give advice about relationships that run in circles, right? But I took some mental notes, and what I got out of that conversation is that no matter how much you can pretend to be cool, calm, and collective about a matter of the heart, everything is internally blown out of proportion. Seriously, trivial banter becomes hardcore flirting, and suddenly, every expression of this interest's being has a meaning, and you pray it's one for you and only you. You wait. (Listen to Raining Jane's "IM Love.") And on top of all that, for some reason the people you know are categorized by who's for or against your "cause." It happens, but is it healthy? I'm still debating.

A lot can change in a matter of days

2008-01-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

The old post I half wrote, but didn't publish:
January 6, 2008: "Looks like a beautiful morning"
Yes, still in a good mood. The reasoning is quite ineffable, but I'm gonna go with a combination of a bunch of beginnings and the fact that I figured out how to work some of the applications on my new phone (not really, but it's a good side note). New year, new semester, and if you really want to know, today is my half birthday. Urn says people who celebrate half birthdays are losers, but I need to compensate for the disaster that happened exactly six months ago. And I feel like I've definitely changed in those six months, for the better...

And how I feel today:
January 7, 2008: "Oh, this? It's called shut the hell up"
Honestly, I started out in a good mood. But I just got frustrated with all of the things even my happiness couldn't control. And that's not a good feeling, not being able to transfer the goodness that I feel in my heart to the lens through which I view (and judge) the world. Make sense? Maybe I built myself up to believe that the inherently good nature of the world (which I still believe exists) would start penetrating through a thick wall that I, too, am starting to break down on the other side.. so that we could meet half way for the first time in a while. People are sharks and I guess I'm bleeding joy. I don't think I'll go back to bitter or apathetic, 'cause being so chipper does have its ups, forrrreal. But I'm chasing ghosts, I suppose.